Bridge building

A rewarding part of coaching is helping people make effective connections with one another. Whether this is a supervisor and subordinate, husband, and wife, two friends, church leader and congregant, or any other relationship, the value of stronger connections is apparent.

The challenge is that we seldom know how to develop healthier communication.

In coaching this week, I was helping a man discover more effective ways to express disappointment without exacerbating the disconnect. He had asked for help with a regular task, and a friend had agreed to show up and assist. But then the friend forgot, and my client was disappointed.

When he shared that disappointment, the friend took it to heart and there was a relational disconnect between them. My client wanted to work out how he had burned a bridge he was trying to build.

Firstly, I honored his desire to find a solution. This is always the first step in bridge building. And the second follows naturally: he understood he needed help and sought it from me. With a few targeted questions, we could define how his friend’s communication style differed from his own and thus identify the answers to two key questions: what did the friend need, and how did they need it?

My client already understood the Life Languages™ system and had internalized the keys to success with each language. It was straightforward to help him specify his friend’s filter question, “Do you care?” and the friend’s need to be heard and understood. He could see that his expression of disappointment had not met either of these keys.

His next question was one I frequently hear in coaching, “but what about my needs?”

I explained that enhancing character is the goal of communication with the Life Languages, and our character grows when we choose to adapt our communication style to meet the needs of others.

I saw the light come on for my client. “And the more I choose to adapt to others, the more they will be able to adapt to me?”

“Quite possibly,” I replied… “but even if they don’t, you benefit from your own character development.”

And that’s the key to building bridges - it doesn’t depend on the outcome being what I wanted; it depends on my choice to honor the communication needs of the other.

If you would like help in building bridges at work, at home, or in another setting, I’d love to help you.